And then he asks the couple if they can picture it. He then asks them to picture how an African elephant would look … how its tough hide might sound as it brushed through the grass… how it might have a baby trotting alongside. Instead, I tell the couple, “When we want to think about the pink elephant, what if we picture a grey African elephant on the savanna instead?” It is like trying to NOT think about the pink elephant in the room. Telling them not to think about this big, obvious, overwhelming thing would be counterproductive - because then it becomes hard NOT to think about it. As he explained:įor example, I look at the couple dealing with an affair. If “not focusing on something” doesn’t work, what does? I think his method is invaluable, and you can use it to break your cycle. I recently asked him how he helped couples address any such situation. Michael Sytsma put it in a recent interview, “When you’re trying to work through a very real concern, the more you try NOT to focus on something, the more power you give it.” Because it can be quite impossible to simply “ignore” something that bothers you that much.Īs nationally-respected therapist Dr. A habit, by the way, that we can apply to any fault in our spouse that is driving us nuts. Well, it turns out it is a habit of mind. If you want to improve your marriage, you cannot depend on your spouse to change. And in order to control the way you respond to what she says, you’ll have to control how you think about it as well. In fact, to break the cycle you will have to try the same no-negativity approach with her that you’d wish she had with you. If you want to improve your marriage, you cannot depend on her to change. Ironically, you’re being negative about her negativity! And I totally get it – in my women’s books and conferences I constantly hammer women to ruthlessly avoid criticism and negative words because it is so painful for any spouse… but especially for men!Īnd since you said your wife is a “wonderful woman and a great mother,” my guess is that she’s not a mean person she simply doesn’t see how painful her negative words are for you. Yet how can we improve our marriage while she’s like this? This really bothers me, but jumping all over her for it won’t win me any points or strengthen our relationship right now. I didn’t separate the laundry colors properly. I didn’t pick the right pajamas for the kids. She is often critical about the most insignificant things. Although she is a wonderful woman and a great mother, it drives me crazy at how negative she’s become over 12 years together. My wife and I are making a concerted effort to improve our marriage.

Happy negative marriage raw